For partners
Someone asked you to be
their accountability partner.
That's a sign of trust, and it can feel like a lot. You don't need to be a counselor, and you don't need to watch anyone. This guide covers what the job actually is, what to say when an email arrives, and how to stay a friend rather than become a warden.
The job
What you're actually being asked to do.
Most people who ask for an accountability partner aren't asking to be watched. They're asking not to be alone with it. The hard moments tend to come late at night, in private, when nobody would ever know. Knowing that one person would know is often enough to change what happens next. And when it isn't, having someone to tell the truth to is what makes the next day different.
So the job is smaller than it sounds: be someone they can be honest with, notice when something happens, and reach out. You are not responsible for their choices, and you can't make anyone stop. The person who asked you is still the one doing the work.
What you'll see, and what you won't. With Sworn, a partner learns that a blocked site was tried, how many times, and what kind of site it was. You never see which site, never a screenshot, never a browsing history. You'll also hear if the filter is paused, switched off or goes quiet. That's deliberate: enough to know the commitment is being kept, not enough to become a way of watching someone.
The emails
What each email means.
Every email from Sworn names the person the way they named themselves when they invited you. The subject line never says what kind of site it was, so nothing sensitive shows up on your lock screen or in your inbox list. The category is inside, at the end. Here's what you might get, using “Alex” as the name.
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1
“Alex just tried to visit a blocked site.”
The first blocked attempt in a while. Inside, one line says what kind of site it was, for example the Pornography or Gambling category. If more attempts follow within the day, they're gathered into a single summary rather than an email each time.
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2
“Alex had 3 blocked attempts in the last 24 hours.”
The daily summary, sent only when there was more than one. As the email itself puts it: you know them, and you'll know what that number means.
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3
“Alex just paused Sworn.”
They switched the filter off themselves. A close cousin, “One of Alex's devices stopped filtering,” means Sworn saw a device stop on its own, and you're also told if they remove a device or uninstall Sworn from one. At most they say what kind of device, like a computer, never its name, because Sworn doesn't know device names.
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4
“Alex changed what Sworn blocks.”
They removed a category from their own settings. The email says which one. It might be a considered decision; it might not be. Either way it's theirs to explain.
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5
“Sworn may not be blocking sites on Alex's devices right now.”
A heads-up: one of their devices was in active use, then Sworn stopped hearing from any of them. That can mean Sworn was turned off. It can also be a dead battery or no signal. One quiet spell needs nothing from you.
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6
“Alex's Sworn filter has been quiet for 26 hours.”
The firmer follow-up, after a full day of silence, with a small chart of the past week. Devices off for a trip look like this. So does a filter that was removed. This one is worth a check-in.
Two honest things about the numbers. Not every blocked attempt was a choice: a link someone sent, an ad, or an app loading something in the background can count too, which is why the emails give a number and a category rather than an accusation. And there's no “all clear” email when the filter comes back on, so if you want to know, ask.
What to say
When an email arrives.
Reach out soon, keep it short, and lead with the relationship rather than the rule. You're opening a door, not starting a trial. A few ways to begin:
- “Saw the email. How are you doing?” Simple, and it leaves room for any answer. Most of the time this is all it takes.
- “Rough night? Want to talk, or want me to just check in tomorrow?” It lets them choose how much to say right now.
- “Thanks for keeping this going. It means something that you asked me.” For the days with nothing to report. Noticing the quiet good weeks matters as much as answering the hard ones.
Then listen more than you talk. If they tell you what happened, the most useful thing you can say is usually some version of “I'm glad you told me.” Honesty that's met with calm gets repeated. Honesty that's met with a lecture gets hidden next time.
What not to do
How not to become a warden.
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A
Don't interrogate.
“What site was it?” has no answer in the email by design, and demanding one turns a check-in into a hearing. If they want to tell you more, they will.
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B
Don't keep score.
A running tally of every email, brought up in arguments about something else, teaches someone that being honest costs them. Deal with today, then let it go.
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C
Don't go looking for more.
Checking their phone or their history behind their back breaks the deal you both agreed to. The point was to share the least that still keeps someone honest.
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D
Don't carry it alone.
If you're a spouse, an email can hurt, and that's real. It's fair to have your own support: a friend, a group for partners, or a counselor. You can care about them and still take care of yourself.
When it's more than a filter
Know where your role ends.
A filter and a friend help a great deal, and sometimes they aren't enough. If the emails keep coming, if things are escalating, or if you're worried about money, safety or someone's mental health, encourage them toward a counselor, a recovery group or their doctor. For gambling in the United States, the national helpline is 1-800-GAMBLER. If you're worried someone may harm themselves, call or text 988; in an emergency, call 911.
And if being a partner stops being right for you, that's allowed. Every email has an unsubscribe link, and stepping down takes a moment. It's kinder to say so out loud first, so they can ask someone else.
This is general guidance. It doesn't replace professional or couples counseling.
Want the same
for yourself?
Sworn blocks the categories you choose and tells one person you trust. Never a screenshot, never your history.
Doing this as a couple? Read accountability for couples.